The black sheep’s mom

I’ve been meaning to write this article for awhile now, but I never seem to have the time, but of course that’s my excuse. Why couldn’t I do it? Well let’s just say I never wanted to talk about me in a derogatory fashion, I’d rather talk about how cool or great I am, but I guess, I would be weaving a good fiction story again. Tsk Tsk.

I’m not such a bad human being, just a misguided one, again my excuse [told you I never like to say anything mean about me . . . *wink*], I admit, I’m not stupid enough not to know that the choices I made had a huge impact on the people around me, I’m one of those people who actually have an above average IQ {that is to my knowledge..Hehehe} so I can’t use the “coz I’m stupid excuse” for my actions or decisions, anyway who would want to be classified as stupid? Like I said, I am not such a bad human being, just a bitter one. I hated anything about me, who I was, what I was and how I was. I know, I didn’t get me either, but that’s how I could describe my thinking or my feeling. I won’t go into details about my great stunts, but let me just say, I left a lot of heartaches anywhere I go.

Saying that, you might understand the topic of my blog, to the “classified stupid”, I am the black sheep, and this blog is for my mom.

I hate my mom, but I love her more. I don’t know the psych mechanics of it all, but if a child screws up, most of the time they’re bound to blame their parents like I did. My mom wasn’t a saint either, I don’t know if I tried to block it out in my mind, but I never ever heard her tell me she loved me, her actions as a parent confused me too, and of course her reprimands always hit me like I didn’t deserve to live, evidently she had good reason to be, for I wasn’t such a saintly type of person either.

As a child I’ve was rebellious to say the least, like in a teenage movie, I enjoy wallowing in my pitiful life, trying to be great but failing, making a world of my own where the actors seem not to follow directions. It was a hateful life that I won’t wish upon even on my worst enemy. The more I grew up, the more I rebelled, it seems the right course at that time. It wasn’t worth it, the more I went against them, the more alienated I become, the more I become alienated, the more I miss being with them. Wanting them in my life was essential, but on the other hand I was getting hurt no matter what. It was such a hurtful cycle of wanting to be close to them and shoving them back just in case they might hurt me again that it took its toll on what I call my fragile psyche. I’ve learn that having a façade was the best way to live, the more I hurt the more I smile, when I cry it was sometimes an act, it became a great habit that it came to a point when I couldn’t differentiate what was the truth and what was a lie anymore.

Good thing I wasn’t running out of luck, you see, if there’s one thing good about my life is that I am very lucky. Of all my siblings I was always the lucky one, they deserved what I got, like debut, good school, better clothes, etc. and I was always surrounded by people who loved and cared for me. They were the once who hauled me to the therapist and had my head examined, yes, I am insane, I have a certificate to back me up that I was locked up. But enough about me, like I said this blog is for my mom.

My mom, I cried for her when I found out she passed away, I cried during the mass as well, but I’m still waiting to cry hard, I haven’t had the luxury of really having a good cry, I have tried to erase the memory of her passing, I can honestly say that I cannot remember when she died. My mom and I weren’t close, I never been her fave and never will, we never tried to reach out to each other coz it was to much hassle I guess, but in as much as I hated her, I did love her in my way, I still can’t give in to actually crying hard for her, you see, not yet, I believe if I do have a hard cry, I will be relieved and move on with my life, at least if I don’t stop mourning her, she’ll be always in my sick pretty little head, forever holding me.. ….

[blog notes started December 11, 2008, blog notes finished September 17, 2009]